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.Tuesday, October 20, 2009 ' 10:50 AM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Taylor Swift - Breathe

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way,
People are people and sometimes we change our minds,
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend,
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me.



waa. bwu igt! 20102009 ari ney. sptotnyew kownk nyew anvsry an3? akk + abg casper.


& I thought I was the only one who remembered my anniversary. Sedangkan org2 yg br knl I pun igt skali. But he made it clear last night that we were only friends & that that's the way it's gonna stay. Which basically makes all my time of waiting utterly pointless & wasted.

One moment I was on the verge of laughing in joy at the fact that he actually called & the next I feel as if a building collapsed on me, right after he comes up with the statement that we can always be good friends. Prayed every damn night that fer once something good that would at least make my day would happen today, but, well, not even words can explain how I really feel right now. Last night I went to sleep with a feeling of loss so overwhelming that it left me sad, empty, & completely lost. It didn't help much to have ppl texting you, reminding you that today was supposed to be yr anniversary.

His words, the way he spoke, something was telling me that he was staying just to look after my feelings. All that indirect pushing, urging me to find someone else, even the way he asked me if I still loved him, it was as if, if I said I didn't love him anymore he'll be free to openly date some other girl or something. I've been shutting my head & heart out to the fact that he doesn't love me anymore fer ages, but when it hits you in the face like a slap, what would you do?

Maybe it's fer the best, but it hurts, a whole darn lot. All those months I was given hope & in the end, what did I get? Nothing. Nothing at all.


On the 20th of October last year, my life unexpectedly became complete. The 20th of October this year? I lost everything. My whole life's falling apart, from studies to relationships & come to think of it, my social life too. Thanks God Almighty, for giving me the best life ever & taking it away. Thx again, maybe at some point I'm supposed to deserve it.

Currently, I just feel like locking myself up in my room forever, going nowhere, not even uni.


Urgh. I feel like crying. But I can't. & it's torturing.


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Monday, October 19, 2009 ' 10:43 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Tamara Walker - Didn't We Love

It's okay, sometimes I just get this way,
I can't forget you anyway, I wouldn't even try,
I'd rather fall than never to have flown at all,
It was heaven after all, if only for a time.

Didn't we set the nights on fire,
Did ever a flame burn any higher,
Wasn't it so sweet? Wasn't it?
Didn't we love?

Isn't it bittersweet, isn't it?
Didn't we love?



First day of second sem? Tension doh. Had Sociology. Mind you, the sub would have been dead interesting, apart from the fact that she barely knows how to speak proper English & had the voice of a mouse. Aku rase tikus lg kuat kot. Pfft. Oh, & that 'crush' I have? He's in my Sociology tutorial. Xjd pe doh, dok usha2 aku. Malu sudaaa. T__T

On the bright side, most of my friends are in my Sociology lecture. Well, basically half of the old TA7. & Web Page Design's awesome. Finally my skills of editing my own myspace codes are needed. Lol. On the down side however, went to get my exam result slip. Rase nak bunuh diri kot. Had to meet one of the lecturers, since I was to be under probation. Turns out to be my Accs lecturer, Ms Goy, who's also gonna be teaching me Fundamentals of Marketing this sem. N'way, she rechecked my pointers & stuff, & told me that I had to score at least B-s & above for all my subs this sem. WTF weh! Babi xtension sial. A fucking B huh? I'd be surprised to even scrap Ds fer the subs this sem. Pfft. & apart from that, I have to drop Marketing fer this sem & do it nx sem.

Fuck gle tension seyh. Was thinking about it all the way home. Smpi langgar red light. Nasib baik xaccident doh. Sheesh. Even my friends, all so terer can get below 2.0 & some even fail, pe lg aku doh. Mati wey! I was thinking that perhaps UTAR couldn't be all that bad, but now, I suppose I was wrong. Standards are high. Suddenly, I just don't want to study anymore. I just want to drop out & perhaps transfer somewhere else. Ntah, I just feel so Goddamn down right now.


Minah fuck up. More days like these & I'd probably turn myself into a heavy smoker. Pfft.
=.='


Oh, yg seterusnye utk Amin yg t'syg SAHAJA. (:

I remember that night. After midnight, I waited for yr call, still pretty confused at that text msg. 'Love you, miss you'? At some point I thought that you sent that text to the wrong person. You never did much as even call me 'syg', or even flirt, let alone saying I love you. In those days when we were friends you could even have passed as my 'abg angkat', the way you somehow treated me. & to admit I had always thought that you would be the very last person I'd date, & that I never really did had feelings whatsoever for you.

Haha, you know, I remember how almost every single time you call I'll always be silent on the phone, with nothing to say. & the funniest part is where you're actually patient, even if I sat there being on the phone with you without saying a single word for the whole hour you'd still sit there too, waiting fer me to actually say something. Haha. & there were times where I was so tired I was practically falling asleep, yet I still wanted to hang around to talk to you. Talk la sgt. Pfft. I still recall one night, when you were talking about some gays calling you up & kacau-ing you, & I started laughing, & you said that after calling me so many times that was the very first time you had ever heard me laugh.

All this, it all led to that night, didn't it. It was just another random phone call, until I, who rarely talked much started talking about Zudy, an ex who wanted me back after SPM, & Zaim, some Form 4 dudee who loved me but I couldn't accept. Of all nights, I chose that one. No wonder la you bengang rite. Hahahaha. After that you passed the phone to Mawi, you said he wanted to be friends with me.

Mawi, him & his hyper character. We became friends that night, getting to know each other. Chatted with him quite long mind you. Was wondering where you were already. I was complaining to him, that I wanted to talk to you, not him. Especially when he started singing. Pfft. He said that you went out to buy something. Silently I was cursing you for leaving me in this nutcase's care who was repeatingly(not to forget annoyingly) singing P-U-S-P-A. Then he kept on bullying me & I said I wanted you & demanded him to call you to come back. Rawrrrr. Suddenly he asked about you & I. I told him there was nothing going on, we were just friends, nothing else. Then he said something about you liking me & stuff, & I assumed that they were pulling some prank on you since you weren't there. Sheesh.

The line went out. Super savers habis la kot. Mawi called back, then said Atan wanted to talk to me. Kene lecture abis ouh. Care die lecture, punye la garang, terdiam seketika HAHA. Gune aku ko lak tuh. Cuak badak sungguh. He said, that I must be blind to not realise that you liked me. That you wouldn't waste your credit calling me all the time if you didn't have any feelings fer me. All sorts of things came out really, I don't remember much, but bottom line they were urging me to be with you. I had no cmnt, all this was kinda too much fer me to digest in one night. Lol.

After what felt like ages you came back. Basically, you didn't have a clue of what happened while you were away. I think. Pfft. N'way, waited fer you to settle down, then suddenly, you asked fer some advise. I was always your advisor wasn't I. HOHO. You told me that you liked this girl a lot, but you just didn't know how to tell her. That she was different than the others, that no matter how you wanted to try you couldn't tell her how you felt. That you were scared, that she might reject you.

Crap, you should have seen me then. I was practically covering my face with a pillow, to stop myself from laughing out loud. Much as I was supposed to believe that you were talking about me I couldn't help laughing at the fact that if you really were talking about me you made me sound so damn special. Ahaha. N'way, I decided not to tell you anything, but to wat2 xtau pape. Ngeh. "Ala, relax la. Fkir positive, hadapi ngan senyuman, then ckpla ngan die. Xkesah la die accept ke x kan,". Well, I said something like tht la, but I'm 100% sure that's the phrase I gave you.

It was almost 4am. The last I heard from you was "Ok2, think positive, hadapi ngan senyuman, I love you Alia," (plik tol, tetibe pggl I Alia. Sheesh). Then the line went dead. I thought you put down the phone on purpose. Lol. Again, you should have seen me. I was practically all smiles, kalahkan Mickey Mouse dah kot. Lololol.

After that phone call, I starting thinking alot. There was only one thing on my head really; why this never happened earlier. Course, funny I was actually thinking that way, considering the fact that I nvr did like you more than friends. N'way, you called back. After using like almost all your roommate's phones la HAHA. I kept pushing you after that, just to get you to repeat those words. Wat2 kurang dgr skit. Ngahahaha. Then you told me to forget about what you said. Eh hello, words like tht xsenang lupe okeh!

N'way, in the end you asked if we should declare it that night or after my SPM. Well, if I didn't choose that night there wouldn't be a 20th of October to rmbr would there. Lol. After all that, you asked me if you could shout or not. I was like, huh, what for? Then you told me to wait for a while, & suddenly, I heard you shouting in joy. Wtf-ness. Haha.

Oh, & I didn't sleep that night, not even fer a minute. & for the next few nights. Dahlah ade skola, exam lak tuh. Was on the phone with you from the moment the super savers offer starts until the moment I had to get ready for school. Dah nak gi skola still xpuas gayut lg. Hoho. Even so, didn't feel sleepy at all. In fact, for someone who didn't sleep at all I was pretty hyper at school. Apart from the fact that I fell asleep during my exams. LOL.

Well, after that night, I changed. For once, I wanted to be serious, I wanted to keep this relationship & give it all I could. Enough with the previous fooling around. Not once did I want to do anything that could harm & break us apart. & fer the first time ever, I was 100% happy being in a relationship. The 20th of October 2008. It's been a yr now. I haven't loved a person this long, is usually lasts fer what, a month or so? Funny, how a night like that changes your whole life.



Yeap, it's been a year now. & I still love you so damn much. Eventhough I'm reminded by random people every fucking day that I'm stupid enough to still love someone like you. Kesah, I can love whoever I want, & no one can stop me.

There's 25mins to go until it's the 20th of October, & another 4 hrs & 25mins till the moment we officially became a couple. & I'm not celebrating today as our anniversary, but as the day you made me realise that I love you.


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Sunday, October 18, 2009 ' 8:14 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Ashanti - The Way That I Love You

Check this out, the lyrics interest me.

I woke up kinda early today,
And something told me from that moment,
It wouldn’t be the same,
I knew you were hiding something,
But I didn’t push it,
I didn’t know what to say,
I tried to pretend, Like I didn’t see it,
Cause deep down I knew I didn’t want to believe it.

There it was, it was you and her,
You left your sidekick on the nightstand,
And I read.

Everything you did, and everything you said and,
And now I’m standing here looking like damn,
I thought it was you and I,
Now I all I got to say is why?

After all of this time that we tried,
I found out we were living a lie,
And after all of this love that we made,
I found out you don’t love me the same,

The way that I love you.

You lied, you lied, oh why?
Why'd you have to lie to me?
Why?



You guys should really check out the music video of Ashanti's The Way That I Love You. In the video she murdered her boyf fer cheating & lying to her. o.O

N'way, second sem's starting tmrw. Pfft. Oh, new subjects. Introduction To Sociology, Writing For Business, Writing For Mass Comm, Web Page Design, Fundamentals Of Marketing & Management Studies. Bore bore boreee. Pfft. & classes are practically from morning to evening. Gah. More boredom.

On the bright side, mummy & I have been discussing & it's been confirmed that I am going back to London after my foundation year. Yeay! At the moment it's only gonna be a holiday trip there but if I can get the chance to further up my studies there I may do so. As she puts it, it's my life, I should know best what I want fer myself. & that, is exactly what I want. To leave & escape from this hectic life I've been living so far, & to start a new one.

It's the 18th of October. & I'm currently awaiting the best, the worst, or nothing at all in a few days to come. & hell yea, I'm prepared this time.


Oh, unintentionally curled my hair yesterday.






I almost killed myself from laughing. Punye la bangang video ni. & to add to matters, something about the vid's damn dirty. HAHA.


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Friday, October 16, 2009 ' 11:43 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Hey Monday - 6 Months

Everything you say,
Every time we kiss, I can't think straight,
But I'm okay,
And I can't think of anybody else,
Who I hate to miss as much as I hate missing you.

So please, give me a hint,
So please, give me a lesson on how to steal, steal a heart,
As fast as you stole mine, as you stole mine.



Just recovered from another mood tantrum. Was in a terrible mood, after practically yelling at everyone ran into my room, & once again, started crying till I fell asleep. I'm getting sick of all these emotional breakdowns. Even Amin asked me to call just now, & knew something was wrong from my voice. I didn't need him to know that I just spent another few hours crying really.

I rmbr one of my main aims when I created this blog. No emotional letouts. Gah, guess I broke that rule once again. Reading back my posts, I'm so messed up. At one time I perfectly well & happy, not giving a fuck about anything else, & then at another time I'm all sniffy & wet from crying & somewhat screaming in a corner on my bed. At one time I'm telling the world I don't give a fuck & at another I'm getting all fucked-up over some boy. & the most idiotic thing is that when I complain about something the next day something else happens to make some statements of mine in my blog somehow pointless. Rawrr. I'm on the verge of being mentally ill.

I need a break, some time to help me gather myself back up, especially when my whole life seems to somehow be falling apart. I'm still pissed off at the fact that I had to end up this way over some pathetic boy. If it's about studies or something at least it would make more sense.

I just wanna fall asleep, & wake up when October ends. This month, is one particular month where I just don't want to rmbr. Not that I can forget it really.





----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Wednesday, October 14, 2009 ' 11:43 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Abba - The Winner Takes It All

I don't wanna talk,
About the things we've gone through,
Though it's hurting me,
Now it's history,
I've played all my cards,
And that's what you've done too,
Nothing more to say,
No more ace to play.

The winner takes it all,
The loser standing small,
Beside the victory,
That's her destiny.

I was in your arms,
Thinking I belonged there,
I figured it made sense,
Building me a fence,
Building me a home,
Thinking I'd be strong there,
But I was a fool,
Playing by the rules.

But tell me does she kiss,
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same,
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside,
You must know I miss you,
But what can I say,
Rules must be obeyed.



Went to Keramat today. Basically, I had no intentions of seeing Amin at all. All I wanted was to go there to meet Umi to show her some Amway leaflets & leave. Well, as usual, things always don't go as planned.

Went to fetch Bell first, then grak gi Keramat. Oh, I arrived in what, less than half an hour? Punye la plik aku, jam lak tuh. Pfft. N'way, wore bju kurung since Umi was having some small makan2 session. Small la, apparently. Arrived & expected to perhaps see 3-4 people. Skali opened the door to what, 10? Dahlah aku xpkai tudung. Damn awkward. Pfft.

N'way, around 5 minutes later Amin came back, quite the surprised to see me I suppose. Didn't bother telling him that I was gonna come. Then as usual, I started my 'I-am-a-wife-&-daughter-in-law-so-I-must-do-my-duty' session. Ahaha wtf. As usual, went to & fro throughout the house helping Umi prepare drinks & stuff. & kak Norlie overheard a few of them talking. Apparently they thought I was one of the menantus too. Wtf. Dah xde kaitan lak ngan family tuh. =.=

Left at 7 plus, since Bell's dad was getting a bit the mad. Heh. Lps tu, gi Carlos lpak shisha with Bell & Nabihah, her lil sis. Oh yea, we went there wearing bju kurung. Bkn main alim lg pkai, tp skali ade kat situ smoke & shisha. HAHA. Xjd pe la doh, kan Bell? ;P


Bell loceng. HAHA.


Frh bongok! ;)



NabiHOHO. haha.
Damn cute, the bottom pic. Haha.


As usual, when Bell & I get together we always talk of the same thing. Of our exes, how we still love them, but they fuck things up nicely & so on. We're basically in the same situation I suppose. As fer me, again as always I left Keramat with the many things running through my mind. I'm always left with the feeling of wanting him to go away yet wanting him to be with me all the time.

Pe lg, story2 ngan Bell la. My first date, the night he mintak couple, all those lovely memoirs. I felt like crying really, but well, xjd kot. Wtf.

Mummy asked me how were things. I told her, I didn't know really. It was just, like that. A story with no complete ending. We've been living our separate ways already, I suppose. She can't say much, all she can say is tht, it's life. & I agree.

Mummy: So, how are both of you now?
Frh: Idk, like tht la. He's sorted out his life, good la. I don't care about him anymore.
Mummy: So, both of u masing2 live yr own life la?
Frh: I guess so.
Mummy: Then why are you still so close to the family?
Frh: Uh..I..(silence)
Mummy: To be close to him right?
Frh: ...(more silence)


Meanwhile, I've always wondered why I always had this tendency to suddenly awake at 4 am almost every night. You see, when he asked me to be his girlf on the 20th October 2008, it was exactly 4am, when I said yes. I suddenly rmbred checking the time on that night, while I was reminiscing back the moment with Bell.

I'm a complete mess. I'm very down at the moment, feeling, not mellow, not pissed off, not fucked up, but completely sad. Why? I still don't know why. I barely know what I post in my own blogs nowadays. First it's this & then it's that. Idk really. I want to cry out loud, so that I can feel better. I want to cut myself up again. But I can't. Why do things like this have to happen to me?




----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Saturday, October 10, 2009 ' 11:13 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Ashley Tisdale - How Do You Love Someone

I've walked around hoping, just barely coping,
Getting it on, getting it wrong,

It's hard to talk, to say what's deep inside,
It's hard to tell believe the truth, when you've always lied.

How do you love someone and make it last?
How do you love someone without tripping on the past?
So far in my life, clouds have blocked the sun,
How do you love, how do you love someone?
How do you love, how do you love someone?



Before I start, here's a few pics from last night's 'b'day session'. Haha.


Mama Han & Uncle Don. her b'day cake & candle. Ngahahaha.


The Sistaaassss! Xcept fer my bro. & me la wtf. Ngeh.


Nak tau x. Last night kan, Zachreen kan, sweet gle babi ouhh. Terpikat ati HAHAHA. N'way, he called me, then we chitchatted fer over an hour. Lps tu, he went to get his guitar & sang to me! Weeee. He had written those songs a week ago & wanted me to be the first to listen. & he has the most amazing voice evurrr. Awwwness. Haha. You're sweet honey, but too good fer a bad girl like me. ;)

Oh, Zachreen's the lead vocalist of one of Malaysia's local bands, Witherspoon. Not all tht known in Malaysia, but heard on air in radio stations in other countries around the world. In my opinion, their songs are more or less like Secondhand Serenade. Slow songs but with a surge of energy & meaningful lyrics. You can search fer them in Myspace & Facebook yea! Cheh promote promote HAHA. Ala, mmbr kan. ;)


Oh, & about my hair. Bajet xde warnela kan, but the moment I walked out the door to fetch my brother to tuition, pergh, punye la obvious warne die. Haha. But its not obvious in pictures though. Tried countless times, tp nmpk same je. Pfft. Planning on coloring it again, to get a stronger shade of colour.



Budak sengal lg sumbat tayang rambut HAHA.




Fuck weh.

I just check my results. There's seriously, got to be something wrong somewhere. My GPA. Xmungkin weh! Sumpah xmungkin! Gle babi truk. Fuck la wey. I'm under probation, so you don't have to ask already how bad it is.

Can't be. God I feel like crying right now. I swear I did study, despite everything that happened to me fer the past few months. I didn't let anything get in my way, that break-up, struggling in Accs & Econs, I made sure nothing could stop me. Even my coursework pun semue more or less 50% wey! Xkan I ley fail smpi camtu!

Asked Nick just now. Apparently it's possible to pass all yr subs & still get pointer under 2.0. Fuck, I'm screwed. I need to buck myself up, starting next sem.

Gah. Now here's another reason fer me to be depressed. I already moved on from that Amin issue & now it's my studies. Another reason fer me to really want to jump off KLCC.
T__T

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of a way to escape from telling mummy & papa that I'm under probation. Sob.


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




. ' 1:18 AM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Evanescence - My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears,
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave,
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone,
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears,
And I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have all of me.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along.



Okay. So today was one of a hella weird-o day. At 6am this morning Haikal texted me, said that he wanted to come Subang have dinner & shisha with me,since his parents xde kat rumah & he had to eat out. Tp last2 xjd, psl mama die suruh die gi rumah mmbr kpd mama die tuh. Haha.

So, day was bored & fucked up as usual, until in the afternoon mummy went into the room, while chatting with my auntie on the phone. Pe lg, gi la manje2 ngan mummy HAHA. Lied down on mummy's tummy while listening to her conversation with my aunt, Mama Ping. Menyibuk la skali skale. Hoho. After that, while she was playing with adik's Gameboy started chit chatting.

Mummy & I, talking of the men. HAHA. Mummy asked me how were things with Amin, & told her it was just like tht, probably finished. She started talking bout Papa, & I about Amin, & with both agreed on one thing; that we can nvr change the ppl we love the most, so might as well wat bodo je. Wtf. I just love the fact that mummy understands how I feel the most, despite her not knowing every detail of what's really been going on with me & him.

N'way, to continue on, Mama Ping was talking about Mama Han (my other auntie), who colored her hair burgundy, & how it turned out to be damn cun. Pe lg, die nak follow la kan. Haha. Skali Mama Ping asked me if I wanted to color my hair, & without second thoughts I said yes. Haha.

So, went to their hse. Was Mama Han's b'day, so celebrated it, in a simple way. You know how simple? With a kek lapis & lilin yg korg pasang klu xde elektrik. Ngahahahaha. Punye la klaka. Mama Han couldn't find any candles, so her husband, Uncle Don slambe only tell her to use those candles. Sheesh. After that, went to Giant Putra Heights, bought what we needed, & pe lg, blik rumah msing2 color rmbt! Hoho.

Oh, Uncle Don, Mama Han & I were talking about clubbing. Agak x kepuasan ati wtf, fer the fact tht stupid MOS raised their entrance age limit to 19 fer girls. Was planning on having my b'day done there, since it would be a Thursday night & I'd be legally 18. Punye la bengang. Pfft. Mama & I agreed on one thing though: MOS is jam-packed & filled with sluts who are better off not wearing clothes at all.





Before.


The subject to future changes. Wtf.
Colour? Mahogany. (:


Menanti.



Cam xde beza je. Pfft.




Randoms, from today.
Camwhore in the act.



So. Tht's how I sleep every night nowadays. Wearing nothing but his T-shirt & hugging our teddy bear.
As Ashley Tisdale puts it, I'm such a hot mess with you.
;)


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Wednesday, October 7, 2009 ' 11:38 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Ashley Tisdale - Erase & Rewind

Guess I should leave this behind,
Guess I should erase and rewind,
But somehow I can't seem to stay away,
I don't want to sound desperate but I am,
So say that you'll come around,
Guess I should erase and rewind,
Erase and rewind.

You never do return my calls,
Just like we never met at all,
No matter what I'll always wait for you,
I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you.

I don't wanna feel like this,
I don't want to.



Was practically out the whole day today. Woke up at 10-ish, then gi gym ngan mummy. Semangat menguruskan bdan! HOHO.


Buchuk buchukk! :P


After tht, went home, rest fer awhile, then went back out to get Bell. Before that, started flipping out all my clothes, comtemplating on what to wear. Pfft.


1st choice. Abis stop traffic nnt HAHA.



So ended up wearing this.
Bell kate : Frh, ko pkai camtu, kite ni nak gi clubbing ke wey? =.=
Hair's been looking oddly browner than usual these few days. Maybe it's the fact tht my mood's been better. Yea, even my hair has its mood swings. Wtf.


N'way, went with Bell to Shah Alam. She wanted to lepak at her ex boyf's workplace, some restaurant. Stalk stalk haha. So, drove there. Nvr knew Shah Alam was that wide. Pfft.


Her Sampoerna, lighter, & iced barley. My Salem Menthol, & apple juice. Wanted to buy Sampoerna, but xde, so bought Salem instead. Skali lps beli br die jumpe dlm beg. Sheesh. Oh, my lighter's missing. I'm wondering if Amin took it. Wtf.



Farah yang chubby lg bongok. (:


Bella the loceng. Hahaa.


Kami. I look fucked up. HOHO.

Oh. Bell & I were talking bout going clubbing & private partying one of these nights. How? Aku pndi sneak out la, camne lg. Cam xbiase. HOHO. Drugs, fuck, dance & trance huh? Don't underestimate the million things I dare to do.


N'way. After that, sent her home, then went to Summit to meet Haikal. Bell & Mirul were supposed to follow too, but Mirul couldn't be contacted & Bell had some stuff to do. Nad? No cmnt. Ko sjak baik semula ngan Saleh ko tu ko lupekan mmbr ko ni trus kan? Smpi ari tu aku nyaris2 mampos pun ko wat dunno. Pfft. Kesah. Biar ah.

So, in the end it was only me & Haikal. B'dating la jdnye HAHA. Ntah2 korg ni sengaje xnak dtg. T_T

N'way, met Haikal at Starbucks than grak to go buy tickets. He was damn anxious to watch The Gamer, so there you go, The Gamer it is. Lps tu gi lpak2 minum. Went to Old Town Coffee House to have dinner. Oh ohhh. Haikal blanje mkn & tiket! Awwwww. Haha. Thx yea Haikal. (:

N'way, bout the movie. Punye la menyanggapkan. All the asses & memegang tmpt2 yg x septtnye HAHAHAA. Sheesh. Got pretty awkward really, felt as if I was suddenly watching porn. Wtffff. But the movie was seriously awesome, I'm glad he suggested it. It's about a game, played in real life, or sumthing like that. Some twist in the plot to it. Imagine The Sims with real people in real life, & uhm, Dota with real life characters. Haha wtf. But a lot of flying chunks of body parts & blood. Ewwness. Spent a number of times covering my face in Haikal's shoulder. HAHA.


To Bell: Aku xwat pape ngan die okeh! Baik je doh. Dlm hati teringat pd si dia yg tersyg sahaje. HOHO. (:

Many dudes from Keramat have been adding me up in myspace lately. You'd be thinking that I was a 'dak Kramat' too. The best thing is that everyone knows who Casper is. Great, more popularity. Now I'm known as my ex boyf's current girlf. Who I haven't kept in touch with in days.
T_T


Oh, & you wanna know something else? I've got a crush. On someone. Saper? Ouh tidakkkkk! =.=

To Syaz: Yunk, break ngan Amin ke? Xmo la break2 syg, baik2 la blik. Xmo gado2, jgn jd cam sis Frh ni. Syg ouh, korg dah lame together gether, sdih je sis tgk. ):


Oh no. Mummy washed Amin's shirt. Cannot wear to sleep tonight. Waaaa. Xpe2, still got teddy bear. Wtf.


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Tuesday, October 6, 2009 ' 10:21 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: ATB Feat. Tiff Lacey – Still Here

You know you’re my love,
Know that I always cared,
I may have been away without you,
But my heart was always here.

Never forget,
I never left,
Always there in the shadow.

Hard to believe,
Because you couldn’t see,
Always there when it mattered,

I’m still here.



Update on photos. HOHO.
Used my uncle's old phone, since mine's off fer repair.


The begining.




Part One.




Part Two.




Part Three.
Brown hair! Weee. My hair's always been brown, though it's only most obvious under light.



Part four.
Curik bju die lg HAHA.
Amin left his bju once again in my possession. Hoho.


Many wondered what exactly happened to me last week. Well, long story cut short, found out something that I didn't like at all, & completely lost it. All the pain, sadness, disappointment & frustration fer the past few months just came bursting out at me & before I knew it, I just lost myself.

Ran into my room, shut the door, & sat on my bed crying & screaming with all my heart into my pillow. After what felt like ages got up, took out a razor from my drawer, & collapsed on the floor. Still crying & clearly hating myself, took out the razorblades & slitted my wrist. Something about seeing my own blood flowing out suddenly calmed me down. Sounds painful, but trust me, I didn't feel a single bit of pain. Quite scary really, come to think of it.

After that, went back downstairs, took a whole bunch of pills out from the cupboard with all the medications & swallowed them down my throat. Oh, don't ask me what pills, mcm2 kot. Pfft. Lps tu, tido. Bgun rase cam sial. Sheesh.

Guess I was wrong. Maybe keeping it all in all this while made it worse. But on the bright side, ever since that incident I've been feeling much happier now. It's as if all the bad memories came out together along with the blood. I no longer feel frustrated or sad or all that shit. Fer now I suppose. Yea, I'm assuming y'all think I've officially gone nuts & might probably stop reading my blog after this. Haha. Kesah doh. T_T


Oh, just now mummy made some own invented smoothie. Haha. Bananas + mango juice + apple juice + coconut juice = (korg wat la name sendiri. Hahaa)
Mmmmm. Delicious. ;)


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Monday, October 5, 2009 ' 9:14 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Zee Avi - Kantoi

Sudahlah sayang, I don't believe you.
I've always known your words were never true.
Why am I with you, I pun tak tahu.
No wonderlah my friends pun tak suka you.



I like these links here:

Maksud Setia. (:

Scandals & Boyfs/Girlfs

Tipu tipuuuuu. ;)

All from Arif's blog.


I should have cut myself a long time ago. I feel so much emotionally better now.
(:


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Sunday, October 4, 2009 ' 1:25 AM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Dash Berlin Feat. Emma Hewitt – Waiting

So far away,
You’re gone so long,
Oh and I’m waiting,
Till that day,
I take you home,
Know that I’m waiting.

Haunted by your grace,
You know I’m falling,
So cool without you,
Always in my mind,
I hear you calling,
I hear you calling.



*edited*

Instead of saying so much, here's one word.
Goodbye.




Definition of self-injury: Pain afflicted physically to overcome one's emotional stress & pain.


Everyone said I 'wat keje bodo'. I have no cmnts fer y'all, apart from the statement above. The only time you can actually say I 'wat keje bodo' is when I commit suicide, aite?

Last night, the emotional pain I felt was so bad tht I could feel my heart bleed pain too. I cried out so loud that my own voice couldn't even be heard. Even as razorblades cut through my skin I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I've nvr gone this far, ever. & to feel nothing at all, who would have known how terrible the emotional pain I had was. Nevertheless, this phrase is over, & the scars are healing.


But I'm still emotionally bruised. I need help. Swear to God, I seriously need help. I'm losing myself.


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.




.Thursday, October 1, 2009 ' 12:27 PM Y
live & regret.

Currently tuning into: Hawthorne Heights - Ohio Is For Lovers

So cut my wrists and black my eyes.
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die.
Because you kill me.
You know you do, you kill me well.
You like it too, and I can tell.
You never stop until my final breath is gone.

Spare me just three last words.
"I love you" is all he heard.
I'll wait for you, but I can't wait forever.



Had a dream last night. Woke up shaking.

Was in some house. Amin was busy hanging with his friends, some which I've never met. I was lying on the sofa, listening to songs & crying. Heard Amin said he was going somewhere. Ignored him. Just wanted everyone to go away.

The scene changed. I was in some shopping mall with Nad & Bell. Begged them to follow me to some place; I was certain Amin was there, & I had a bad feeling something was going on. Hati cam xtenang je. They told me to ignore it, & just have fun with them. I couldn't. I abandoned them & went on my own. Walked around, until I reached some supermarket. Spotted Amin there. Went closer, & I felt my heart sink. He had his hands around some girl.

I froze. He saw me, & took his hands off her. Too late, I had seen enough already. She wasn't aware of what was going on, she was too busy talking to one of the promoters there. Looked at her. I know I've seen her somewhere, again with him. I remembered her the moment I saw her again. She appeared in my dreams once, what is she doing here again? I approach them. He made a foolish move to introduce us to each other. Stupid, stupid you. Before he could finish his sentence I slapped him & shouted, tht he lied to me, yet again. Everyone was looking, I didn't care. I left, he stood there watching me go.

The scene changed yet again. I ran out from wherever I was, tears pouring down my face. Came to a road full of cars passing by. Collapsed in the middle of the road, hugged myself & continued crying. I had had enough, the many cars didn't bother me at all. All I wanted was to drop dead & die.

The scene changed fer the last time. I was in a huge bathroom. I was as white as the walls around me. My wrists were cut open, with blood all over the place. I knew, my life was going to end soon.



That girl. Only now do I rmbr where I first saw her. I dreamt about her when I was sleeping in Amin's room. Not really dream, but caught a glimpse of her when I was sleeping. Again she was with Amin. I'm certain she has something to do with now. How can someone I've never even met appear in my dreams twice?

I don't want competition. I don't want anymore hurtful answers & lies. I want out.


----------------------------------------------

i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.







THE BLOGGERY

.Farah Alia.
18 going on 19, from London, England, & currently staying in Subang Jaya, Slgr, MY.

Me? I've yet to discover myself.


SEARCH MEY
.MSN. farahalia@hotmail.co.uk
.YM/FB. frh.alia_131191@yahoo.com

My OLD blog!
Myspace




LYRICS TO MY LIFEY
When you walked away from me,
And said your last goodbye,
I never thought that six months on,
You'd still be in my life.

I have tried to forget,
Get you out of my head,
But the memories won't fade,
I can run I can hide from this feeling inside,
But the pain won't go away.

Now I'm sure you've found a girl,
To fill my empty space,
But I'm stuck with the love that we shared,
That time just can't erase,
I can run I can hide from this feeling inside,
But the pain won't go away.

Cause every time I hear your name,
The world stops for a moment,
Baby with a single word,
I can see your face again,
Cause every time I hear your name,
The world stops for a moment,
And I'm taken back to what we had,
Every time I hear your name.

♥♥♥



BLOGGERSY

THE PASTY

CREDITSY