.Thursday, December 31, 2009 ' 3:14 PM Y
live & regret.
So, finally. Here it is again. The flashbacks of 09'. Yeayyy! :D
It's been a loooong year really fer me. In short, it's been a year of more pain & sadness than happiness fer me. Pfft.As A Start..
The year that has been awaited fer so long..a secondary school leaver! Hahaa. Basically, a new life, new experiences, new things to think about. In short, experiences in working, SPM results, challenges in attempting to get my driver's license, entering university, more freedom in hanging out with mates. But of course, a whole lot of things happened this year.Family.
A lot of issues began surfacing in my family this year. Being a school leaver this year & finally having the time to spend with them, I realised just how much family is important to every single individual, no matter what. Unlike lovers & friends they will never abandon you, they're always there when you need them, as long as you reach out. Of course, there are arguments & disagreements now & then, but that's normal I suppose.
La familia. ;)
Apart from that, cats. Why in the family section? Only those with pets would understand. N'way, lost my dear kitty, Thomas, who died after being infected with virus. It was hard fer all of us; he was the baby of the house.
Thomas. I love you my little baby. ):Friends.
Friends? It's been a whole new year fer me in this part. Fortunately, I still had my besties, Nad & Bell. Bell & I decided to put the past behind us, & to finally start afresh. Now we're the bestest friends ever. (:
Us three, as it has been fer the past few yrs.
However, as the year passed the true colours of certain friends are seen, & you have doubts on whether or not you should keep certain friendships & move on, or to go through confrontation. All my school friends had their own plans in mine, so in the end had to say goodbye to most really. Even Bell, is now studying in Melaka. Still kept in touch with a number of them though, like Bhairavi, Mei Xin, Wan Ying.
Hanging at the mall.
& Irfan. (:
Made a lot of new friends too. From myspace, from uni, from friends, everywhere in other words. Too many to list out here, but you guys knows who you are. ;)Studies.
As a start, received my SPM results. 2As, 3Bs, 3Cs, 2Ds. Considering how I was during my final yr at school, my results was fairly good.
Didn't succeed in entering UiTM, thanks to racism wtf. Instead, ended up doing my Foundation in Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman, UTAR. Fyi, I'm the only malay in my sem. Pfft. However, made a lot of new friends, & managed to have some fun too.
Currently in my second semester, & having finals in February. In a worrying stage now, since I'm under probation & will be kicked out if I can't get my pointer up.
Second sem.Love & Relationships.
Aah. We all know I have a lot to say in this part. Hahaa. Well, in short my life did most of its turns due to love. Typical, but I learnt a whole lot, about life, love, & most importantly, myself.
Entered 2009 with the boyf, Amin, or Casper. I loved him with all my heart, & he was the one I wanted to spend my whole life with. Sure, we had our ups & downs, but everyone saw us as the sweetest item ever. Little did I know, that all that was due to change.
On May 6th 2009, due to certain clues & signs, I dug in deeper, only to find out some terrible facts about this boyf of mine, which forced me to change my perspection on everything about us. Found out that he had been cheating on me. On this day I lost all the faith I had in him, which basically left me with doubts, & nothing else but doubts. B'cuz of love I disobeyed one of the prinsips in my life, & chose to stay, knowing that he had someone else. After a day of endless pain & tears he finally broke it off with the other girl, & told me tht he wanted to start anew with me. However, things were bound to get worse.
Due to my insecurity & lack of trust in him, the pressure was building up in me when we seemed to moved further & further apart. He was no longer the person that I knew, the person that loved me & was there with me 24/7. Finally, on the 7th of July 2009, we broke up. Even so, we were as if we had not broken up, as if we were still together. Each day I had to challenge my own head with millions of questions, wondering if he even loved me any more, why he was still treating me as his girlf, why he had to cheat on me if he still loved me, & stuff like that.
A month later I became close to this guy in YM, Phat. Eventually, he started liking me, & asked me to be his girlf. I knew I wasn't ready, so I said no. He pushed, & a few weeks later I decided to give it a try. A week later, he realised that he couldn't make me love him back, that I would never have feelings fer him, & decided to let me go. Of course, the issues between Casper & I were still going on.
By, I still igt u aite. ;)
A month after being with Phat, I met Ajit, from myspace. Again, the same thing happened. This time, I was sure I was ready fer a new boyf, so I made it a point to try & move on. However, exactly a week after being his girlf, I was still on & off with Casper. I felt guilty; like I was cheating on Ajit, & told him that this just couldn't work out. I knew that I was in no state for another boyf, not at this time.
Thx hunn. (:
One night, Casper revealed almost everything, about how he was having another girlf, despite telling me he was still single. In short, I had been living through his lies all along, & after speaking to his girlf personally, it was sad to know that right up until that very moment he was still lying to me. That night, I knew that I had to move on, like it or not. B'cuz of that I began filling in my free time by going to the gym at every chance I got, apart from classes. Fortunately fer me, due to the exercise I lost weight, & became happier.
Right now? I'm single, & not rushing myself into any relationship fer now, not until I'm 100% ready, or if I find someone that can steal my heart once again.Myself.
Overall fer me? The year has been shitty really. Haha. Everything did not end up as how I thought it would be, but of course, there are fun times. Been through so much this year, making me learn about life, love, & myself of course.Love.
I always thought I knew what it meant, till this year. Having Amin as my first love, I realised that it wasn't like everything I used to call 'love'. It was so much more, emotionally, mentally & physically. B'cuz of this simple term only did I learn more about myself.
It was scary yet somehow funny to think that b'cuz of it I pushed myself beyond limits that I nvr knew I had before. Smoking, commiting real self-injury, going beyond my boundaries or actually wanting a boyf who had someone else, all the simple things that I told myself I wouldn't do. However, being through so much so far, I've learnt that at times it's best to follow your head & not your heart. Loving a person is one thing, but loving someone who would eventually break you apart is another.
One's thing fer sure though, no matter what, I still try.
Now. ;)2010 Resolutions.
Resolutions? I don't have any atm, cuz I know I won't keep them. Hahaa. But whatever comes by, I'll let it come. ;)Shoutouts!
Bell; Bitch! HAHA. Aku syg ko k. Study elok2 kat UiTM tuh, jgn jd cam aku lak. Biar pointer dpt 4 flat. Ahaha. Hopefully ley kekal la kite ni jd best friend, lg2 skang dah jrg dpt jumpe kan. 2010 ni wey! Aku hrp ko kekal bahagia ngan Azrie. Suda2 la tuh, couple je la babe! Hahaa. Syg ko lbih la BFFL kuh! ♥
Nad; Rasenye dah byk kali gak ah gado thun nih. HAHA. Standard ah tu kan, gado itu tande syg. HAHAA. ;) N'way, masuk thun br nih, jgn gado2 lg ngan Sal! Klu korg gado due2 aku terajang okeh HOHO. Msuk 2010, dah 8 thun knl wey. Syg ko gak la BFFL kuh!
Casper; Bongok3. Ntah pe lg I nak ckp kt u. Hahaa. Nak baik ngan u pun ssah. Syg punye psl ah. Xpe2, in future, I kan try, xkesah la ble pun, lg sethun ke, seabad ke, pape je la. Hohoho. Jodoh kat tgn Tuhan, I dah mlas nak fkir psl bende yg I xley nak control. Pape pun, I wat sial camne kat u pun, u lyn I sesial mane pun (wtf), tlg la igt smpi ble2 pun, I love you very much okay. Have an awesome yr. All the best. ;)
Haikal; Scandal t'syg! HAHAHA. Xsangke gak I, ley jd rpat camni ngan mmbf kpd bf bestie I. Cam plik je. Haha. But n'way, mmmg besh la dpt knl org cam u. Lps STPM u tuh, jgn lupe, kite enjoy same2! Together ngan yang lain. Heee. (:
Yon; Ni seekor lg scandal t'syg. HAHAA. :P U pun sorg, I xprnh t'fkir pun ley rpat blik ngan u. Dlu mati2 dah igt xkan ckp ngan u semue kan. Ahaha. Klu fkir blik, cam dak kecik lak. Duhh. Awk tuuu, jgn fkir byk sgt. Nak msuk thun br ni, restart la life u skali. U & I situasi same je, tht's why, jgn risau ah, I kan support u aite. Syg u la kwn. (:
Hafiz; I xlupe you okeh! Haha. Thx tau, when I was at my weakest moments u gak yg tlg I bangkit semula. Cheh ayt xnak kalah HAHA. Btw, selain Amin u je eh laki yg prnh dgr I nangis, so baik u ttup mlut. HOHO. N'way, resolutions? Xde was mase skang. Enjoy sudaa. Weee. Have an awesome 2010 yea!
Syukri; Awk ni pun sorg, hilang ke mane tah. Hahaa. Pape pun, dah msuk 3 thun knl wey! Tp xprnh2 jumpe. Pfft. I wish u an awesome yr too yea, hrp dpt b'same dgn yg t'syg. ;)
Other friends; Jgn terase klu I xwat personal shoutout utk korg. Haha. You guys know who you are, surely right? Heee. Had a shitty year like me? Let's all start over aite, it's a new year babyyy. Have an awesome 2010 peeps. ;)It's officially the end of 2009. Close the book, begin a new one. No more sadness, no more pain. Farewell 2009, Hello 2010.
i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.
.Thursday, December 24, 2009 ' 5:23 PM Y
live & regret.
Currently tuning into: Lady Gaga ft Beyonce - Telephone
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my head and my heart on the dance floor. On This Day In Your Life Farah, God Wants You To Know..
that every little part of you is magical. Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It's alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that's exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: ''I love you.''
Went to watch Avatar last night, with mummy, adik, & Mama Ping. Gle cun la wey. The movie's definitely the best I've seen so far, even better than 2012. So people, go watch if you haven't! ;D
Meanwhile, last night I made a huge, not to mention stupid mistake. Was sleeping when some unknown number called. N'way, from what I saw, it was Casper. So pe lg, angkat je la kan. From my voice it was obvious I was sleeping, so he told me to go back to sleep, supposingly nak dodoikan aku la HAHA wtf. N'way, talked to him as if I was talking to Casper, then ended the call. So tried to go back to sleep, but felt like something wasn't right. Fer one, I had already saved his number again the other day. So I checked back the number, & it was not his number after all.
Texted & ask who it was, & apparently it was some myspace dudee. Punye la malu akuh wey! Sumpah suare cam die ouh! Pfft. I was already starting to feel like something wasn't quite right; having him call me 2 nights in a row la kan. Ko dah ade betine ko sorg tuh ade mase lak nak cari akuh. Sheesh. Crap, getting him out of my life was already one issue, now I have to hallucinate about him too? Pfft-ness.
In the morning, went to the gym, as usual. Decidede to join this dance class, called Zumba. Cam besh je kan. & trust me, it was funnnn! I enjoyed it oh so much. It had all sorts of dances in one; tango, mambo, cha cha, disco, ballroom dancing, clubbing, belly dancing, sexy, & at some point, bollywood HAHA. With assets
like mine I can fucking shake it & make it sexy okay. HAHAHAHA. But I sucked at ballroom dancing though. Seriously, I'm no Cinderella. Pfft.
N'way, at night went to lpak shisha with Bell, & her sisters, Nabihah & Nadia. Last day jumpe ouh, she's going to Melaka. Gahhhh rindu la ko wey nnt! ):
After went back to their house to play Monopoly. Bankrup kot. T_T
Meanwhile, seeing my shoulders under the light is frightenening. I almost wanted to cry just now. The skin on my shoulders are red & raw, which is obvious that they will be staying that way. Seen fire victims? Tht's what I'm talking about. Sob. No more sleveless tops fer me. Gah.
A week till 2009 ends. & I'm in the process of doing my yr end synopsis. (:
i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.
.Monday, December 21, 2009 ' 10:57 AM Y
live & regret.
Currently tuning into: Rihanna - Russian Roulette
And you can see my heart beating,
You can see it through my chest,
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving,
Know that I must pass this test,
So just pull the trigger. On This Day In Your Life Farah, God Wants You To Know..
that every moment is an opportunity for you to be happy. You know how sometimes it seems that life is just throwing you one curved ball after another? Well, guess what, - you have a great way to respond! - you can use every opportunity, every single one, to be happy. Don't just take a shower - feel into and receive pleasure from the water on your skin. Don't just walk on the street - enjoy the fragrances of the trees and the flowers on your way. Don't just drive your car - sing karaoke to your favorite radio station.
It's Frh, bby! HOHO. Haven't posted in more than a week. Let's just say, there's not much really in life. Randoms, ups & downs, tu je. Xmenarik pun. As if my life was ever interesting. LOL.
Oh, went to Desa Waterpark yesterday. First family outing in like, only God knows how many years. Pfft. Damn awkward actually, seeing how mummy is with papa. Seriously, looking at them, I can't help but feel hatred. How the fuck does mummy tolerate all that shit? But then again, shouldn't I be asking myself the same thing? Sheesh. At least now I know where I get that ridiculously strong will. T_T
N'way, Desa Waterpark? Biase je kot. Kinda boring. 2 slides, this Lazy River where you can just drift around in that float, a WaveShock pool, like the one in Sunway. Spent my time 'tanning' in the Lazy River. Smpi t'lbih msak kot agknye HAHAHAA. Then waited for like almost an hour in the Wave Shock just to experience the waves. Mane la xhangus kan akuh. Even adik was even terer than me, going on the slides. I was abit the mlas, too many ppl. Ngeh.
So, the best part was where I went to the Shockwave pool. Finally, the waves were on, so pe lg, enjoy gle babi kot, on my pelampung. Hoho. Mind you, there was so many people, you'd be thinking Titanic just sank or summat. LOL. Well, was on my own, then this guy asked me to join his gang, mainly couples la. Besh gle lak, we were holding on to each other, trying to stay on our floats while this guy tried to 'selamatkan' me. HAHA WTF weh. Sorg dr gang tu sempat nak ngorat aku, pdhal ade ngan awek tuu. T_T
By the end of the day, I had serious sunburn. & I mean serious wey. My skin's all red, irritated, itchy, & plain sore. Damn fucking pain wey. Pfft. The best thing is, there wasn't even any sun. 2012 I suppose. Wtf. Oh, & did I mention? I think I was the only adult wearing a swimsuit there. T_T
The effects are worse today. I can't even wear my clothes without wanting to cry. Pfft.
P.s, meant to take pics from a distance, any closer & some readers in particular
may start laughing. Pfft.
At uni all my classmates pointed at my face & asked what happened. As half the day passed before they could even ask I said sunburn. Lol. Oh, & there's this guy in Sociology class that I'm seriously crushing wey. HAHA. Gahhh. Sempat lak die malu2 mase aku tego td. Ngahahahah.
The only thing that cheered me up today was my body analysis test that Nizam helped me do at the gym. Woohooo semue trun! Ok, not all obviously, only those that are supposed to be decreased. Lmao. Not telling my weight here, but up to date I've lost 8kg, since I started this depression-at-the-gym-session. Swt.
Mummy however, very the xpuas ati mainly b'cuz everything went down, including her muscle mass. LOLOLOL. She hasn't been eating for days since this whole family incident thingy, & all she actually digests is coffee. Sheesh. But anyhow, she's scheming, to get even. Yesterday mummy said she felt like kicking Papa into the pool. HAHAA. Yea bby, now you know where Farah Alia gets her stuff. ;)
N'way, here's some pics from the past week.
Had my Sociology presentation last week. Say hi to my group mmbrs. ;)
Randoms. I still think I look ridiculously thin in the top pic.
Another week till I post my year-end synopsis.
Boy I can't wait.
i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.