.Monday, October 19, 2009 ' 10:43 PM Y
live & regret.
Currently tuning into: Tamara Walker - Didn't We Love
It's okay, sometimes I just get this way,
I can't forget you anyway, I wouldn't even try,
I'd rather fall than never to have flown at all,
It was heaven after all, if only for a time.
Didn't we set the nights on fire,
Did ever a flame burn any higher,
Wasn't it so sweet? Wasn't it?
Didn't we love?
Isn't it bittersweet, isn't it?
Didn't we love? First day of second sem? Tension doh. Had Sociology. Mind you, the sub would have been dead interesting, apart from the fact that she barely knows how to speak proper English & had the voice of a mouse. Aku rase tikus lg kuat kot. Pfft. Oh, & that 'crush' I have? He's in my Sociology tutorial. Xjd pe doh, dok usha2 aku. Malu sudaaa. T__T
On the bright side, most of my friends are in my Sociology lecture. Well, basically half of the old TA7. & Web Page Design's awesome. Finally my skills of editing my own myspace codes are needed. Lol. On the down side however, went to get my exam result slip. Rase nak bunuh diri kot. Had to meet one of the lecturers, since I was to be under probation. Turns out to be my Accs lecturer, Ms Goy, who's also gonna be teaching me Fundamentals of Marketing this sem. N'way, she rechecked my pointers & stuff, & told me that I had to score at least B-s & above for all my subs this sem. WTF weh! Babi xtension sial. A fucking B huh? I'd be surprised to even scrap Ds fer the subs this sem. Pfft. & apart from that, I have to drop Marketing fer this sem & do it nx sem.
Fuck gle tension seyh. Was thinking about it all the way home. Smpi langgar red light. Nasib baik xaccident doh. Sheesh. Even my friends, all so terer can get below 2.0 & some even fail, pe lg aku doh. Mati wey! I was thinking that perhaps UTAR couldn't be all that bad, but now, I suppose I was wrong. Standards are high. Suddenly, I just don't want to study anymore. I just want to drop out & perhaps transfer somewhere else. Ntah, I just feel so Goddamn down right now.
Minah fuck up. More days like these & I'd probably turn myself into a heavy smoker. Pfft.
=.='
Oh, yg seterusnye utk Amin yg t'syg SAHAJA. (: I remember that night. After midnight, I waited for yr call, still pretty confused at that text msg. 'Love you, miss you'? At some point I thought that you sent that text to the wrong person. You never did much as even call me 'syg', or even flirt, let alone saying I love you. In those days when we were friends you could even have passed as my 'abg angkat', the way you somehow treated me. & to admit I had always thought that you would be the very last person I'd date, & that I never really did had feelings whatsoever for you.
Haha, you know, I remember how almost every single time you call I'll always be silent on the phone, with nothing to say. & the funniest part is where you're actually patient, even if I sat there being on the phone with you without saying a single word for the whole hour you'd still sit there too, waiting fer me to actually say something. Haha. & there were times where I was so tired I was practically falling asleep, yet I still wanted to hang around to talk to you. Talk la sgt. Pfft. I still recall one night, when you were talking about some gays calling you up & kacau-ing you, & I started laughing, & you said that after calling me so many times that was the very first time you had ever heard me laugh.
All this, it all led to that night, didn't it. It was just another random phone call, until I, who rarely talked much started talking about Zudy, an ex who wanted me back after SPM, & Zaim, some Form 4 dudee who loved me but I couldn't accept. Of all nights, I chose that one. No wonder la you bengang rite. Hahahaha. After that you passed the phone to Mawi, you said he wanted to be friends with me.
Mawi, him & his hyper character. We became friends that night, getting to know each other. Chatted with him quite long mind you. Was wondering where you were already. I was complaining to him, that I wanted to talk to you, not him. Especially when he started singing. Pfft. He said that you went out to buy something. Silently I was cursing you for leaving me in this nutcase's care who was repeatingly(not to forget annoyingly) singing P-U-S-P-A. Then he kept on bullying me & I said I wanted you & demanded him to call you to come back. Rawrrrr. Suddenly he asked about you & I. I told him there was nothing going on, we were just friends, nothing else. Then he said something about you liking me & stuff, & I assumed that they were pulling some prank on you since you weren't there. Sheesh.
The line went out. Super savers habis la kot. Mawi called back, then said Atan wanted to talk to me. Kene lecture abis ouh. Care die lecture, punye la garang, terdiam seketika HAHA. Gune aku ko lak tuh. Cuak badak sungguh. He said, that I must be blind to not realise that you liked me. That you wouldn't waste your credit calling me all the time if you didn't have any feelings fer me. All sorts of things came out really, I don't remember much, but bottom line they were urging me to be with you. I had no cmnt, all this was kinda too much fer me to digest in one night. Lol.
After what felt like ages you came back. Basically, you didn't have a clue of what happened while you were away. I think. Pfft. N'way, waited fer you to settle down, then suddenly, you asked fer some advise. I was always your advisor wasn't I. HOHO. You told me that you liked this girl a lot, but you just didn't know how to tell her. That she was different than the others, that no matter how you wanted to try you couldn't tell her how you felt. That you were scared, that she might reject you.
Crap, you should have seen me then. I was practically covering my face with a pillow, to stop myself from laughing out loud. Much as I was supposed to believe that you were talking about me I couldn't help laughing at the fact that if you really were talking about me you made me sound so damn special. Ahaha. N'way, I decided not to tell you anything, but to wat2 xtau pape. Ngeh. "Ala, relax la. Fkir positive, hadapi ngan senyuman, then ckpla ngan die. Xkesah la die accept ke x kan,". Well, I said something like tht la, but I'm 100% sure that's the phrase I gave you.
It was almost 4am. The last I heard from you was "Ok2, think positive, hadapi ngan senyuman, I love you Alia," (plik tol, tetibe pggl I Alia. Sheesh). Then the line went dead. I thought you put down the phone on purpose. Lol. Again, you should have seen me. I was practically all smiles, kalahkan Mickey Mouse dah kot. Lololol.
After that phone call, I starting thinking alot. There was only one thing on my head really; why this never happened earlier. Course, funny I was actually thinking that way, considering the fact that I nvr did like you more than friends. N'way, you called back. After using like almost all your roommate's phones la HAHA. I kept pushing you after that, just to get you to repeat those words. Wat2 kurang dgr skit. Ngahahaha. Then you told me to forget about what you said. Eh hello, words like tht xsenang lupe okeh!
N'way, in the end you asked if we should declare it that night or after my SPM. Well, if I didn't choose that night there wouldn't be a 20th of October to rmbr would there. Lol. After all that, you asked me if you could shout or not. I was like, huh, what for? Then you told me to wait for a while, & suddenly, I heard you shouting in joy. Wtf-ness. Haha.
Oh, & I didn't sleep that night, not even fer a minute. & for the next few nights. Dahlah ade skola, exam lak tuh. Was on the phone with you from the moment the super savers offer starts until the moment I had to get ready for school. Dah nak gi skola still xpuas gayut lg. Hoho. Even so, didn't feel sleepy at all. In fact, for someone who didn't sleep at all I was pretty hyper at school. Apart from the fact that I fell asleep during my exams. LOL.
Well, after that night, I changed. For once, I wanted to be serious, I wanted to keep this relationship & give it all I could. Enough with the previous fooling around. Not once did I want to do anything that could harm & break us apart. & fer the first time ever, I was 100% happy being in a relationship. The 20th of October 2008. It's been a yr now. I haven't loved a person this long, is usually lasts fer what, a month or so? Funny, how a night like that changes your whole life. Yeap, it's been a year now. & I still love you so damn much. Eventhough I'm reminded by random people every fucking day that I'm stupid enough to still love someone like you. Kesah, I can love whoever I want, & no one can stop me.
There's 25mins to go until it's the 20th of October, & another 4 hrs & 25mins till the moment we officially became a couple. & I'm not celebrating today as our anniversary, but as the day you made me realise that I love you.
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i'm okay, until i realise that things will never be the same.
